Drowning in Despair and Confusion: A Search for God

In 2017, after experiencing psychosis and what I believe was a demonic Kundalini encounter, I was discharged from the hospital and didn’t have another delusion or psychotic break for an entire year. However, I was in deep pain. I struggled with depression, despair, PTSD, and trauma from the delusions, which were horrible. I also felt energy flowing through my body, and burning on my skin and inside my head. I felt lost, uncertain about the future, and unsure of who God was. I wanted answers but didn’t know how to find them, so I began researching different religions, especially Hinduism and Christianity. However, I had explored Hinduism specifically about the Kundalini Spirit before and thats what cause big psychotic break that ended me in the hospital, but I studied it to make sure it was true or good. Then the other  religion I turned to was Christianity. At first, Christianity seemed like the worst option because it felt demeaning to women, very restrictive, and even cruel in its teachings.

One of my diary entries about how I uncertain I was:

However, compared to the uncertainty of the other delusions—where I could die and become a bug or face other unimaginable horrors—Christianity, though frightening, at least offered the certainty that there was an absolute truth.
I knew I wanted the truth, no matter how painful, so I started researching Christianity. During my delusions in the hospital, I thought the building was on fire and that I was trapped, unable to escape, destined to burn. I shared this experience with a Christian friend, and she told me it sounded like hell. That made me want to understand Christianity more deeply, so I began investigating its teachings. I knew this wasn’t just about life; it was about my entire existence, even after death. I needed to know if Christianity was the truth.
As I researched, I started praying to God, asking if He was real. I felt uncertain because there were so many different religions and denominations, each with its own beliefs. I didn’t want to make a mistake and end up in hell. Over time, I began to receive signs that pointed me back to Christianity. I felt like God was leading me toward Him. One day, while walking to my college, a woman handed me a pamphlet inviting people to attend church. We talked, and I shared my experience with delusions. After a sister encouraged me to go to church, I did go to church.

Diary entry of how I thought I felt God:

I also began watching Bible Flock Box videos on YouTube, which emphasized the importance of observing the Sabbath on Saturday. Eventually, I started going to a Sabbath church. I didn’t want to make any mistakes, especially if meant  I would be  condemn to hell, so I was careful in my search for the truth.

Diary entry of how was so unsure of who God was: 

During that year, I suffered deeply because I didn’t know who God was. I would cry every day, especially while working at the childcare center when I put the babies to sleep. I was overwhelmed with uncertainty and didn’t know where to turn. But I was determined to seek God and call out to Him, even though I struggled to see Him as good. In my mind, He seemed like someone who would throw everyone into hell, and I couldn’t shake that fear.

A final diary entry of my frustration:

The moment I truly surrendered to God was when I gave up something I loved most—my writing. I was really sad and cried as I let go of this passion, but just a couple of hours later, I experienced a sudden enlightenment about who God, His Son, and the Holy Spirit were. Suddenly, it clicked for me—the Holy Spirit was like the batter, the Son was the cupcake, and the Father was the cake. This understanding changed everything for me, and I began to feel a sense of peace in knowing who God was.

An excerpt  of the diary entry of how I started to understand God in an instance after giving up my passion which had become idols: 

However, although I had a more firm idea of who God was, I started having delusions and psychosis right after I got that enlightenment from God. I believe this was a tug of war between God and the devil, each having power and influence over me. I had to decide which one I was going to listen to.

And this led me into another phase of my spiritual journey.