Before my mind was torn apart by delusions, I did not believe in Christ and subconsciously harbored a hatred for Christianity. My belief was in pantheism and the law of attraction, which for me meant that everything was God and that people could manifest their desires simply by thinking about them. I also believed there was no absolute truth, and that every religion or specific aspects of various religions could all be true.
My psychotic break began on the night following my college graduation, triggered by smoking marijuana. Although I had smoked several times before within the past six months, I had never experienced anything like what happened that night. The experience was surreal but felt incredibly real. In my delusion, I believed I was being judged by God for disobeying my heavenly parents and causing a catastrophic outbreak of sin in the heavenly kingdom. The sin was sexual in nature, involving all ages, genders, and family members engaging in acts that were both disturbing and bizarre.
My heavenly parents were trying to guide me back to obedience, but I resisted. Then God intervened, telling me that I would face oblivion if I didn’t stop. I remember begging God not to send me there, promising that I would never commit that sin (likely the sexual one) again and that I would love everyone. As I made these promises, my mind slowly began to stabilize. The delusion made me believe I was in another universe, separated by consciousness, and that reality was just a dream.
After the delusion, I was deeply confused about what had happened. I couldn't get the experience out of my mind, and somehow, I thought it might have been real. I lingered on the thought, questioning whether it truly was.
Here is an excerpt from my diary from May 18, 2017:
On May 31, 2017, I woke up early in the morning from a dream. The dream replayed a memory from the delusion, where I was begging for God's forgiveness. This dream made me believe the delusion was real, which sparked a desire to pursue and understand who God truly was. Now the day before, I had smoked, but I had no immediate effects, and I was fine for the rest of the day.
However, pursuit led me to the New Age movement, where I began practicing Kundalini. It was during this time that my mind started to become twisted and distorted by every belief.
The idea that there was no absolute truth destroyed my mental stability, as it implied that anything and everything could be true, and therefore, anything could happen. The delusions that bombarded my mind left me trapped in an absurd nightmare.
Here are my diary entries:
After the Kundalini experience, I wrote a document about it, here it is:
This bizarre and terrifying experience left me in a state of confusion and anxiety, causing me to spiral into depression. I found myself on another journey, trying to dissect the crisis and uncover what truly happened to me.
Here are some social media excerpts from my investigation into the truth behind the bizarre and unsettling experience I went through:
At one point during this period in my life, I told my friend about what had occurred. When she mentioned that the part about me burning in flames and being trapped in a hospital reminded her of biblical Hell, it intensified my desire to understand what had truly happened to me and to uncover the real truth about reality.
I kept coming across people online who said that kundalini was the destruction of the self, while others claimed it was demonic
During this period, I was desperately seeking answers from the Biblical God, questioning who He really was. It seem that I saw Christ's image take shape in the clouds, and when I asked God questions, it felt as if He was responding directly through words in the dictionary. Yet, despite these signs, I remained tormented by confusion about who God truly was.
This agonizing uncertainty, along with a paralyzing fear of Hell, pushed me into a spiral of deep, relentless depression.
Here is a diary entry of how I felt:
I endured this torment for over a year, with its relentless grip persisting through each agonizing day.
Only when I surrendered what I cherished most and had idolized did God begin to bring clarity. Unfortunately, that was also when I experienced new attacks in the form of delusions and psychosis, which I will cover in another blog post.
