The Tug of War between God and Satan

When I thought I was condemn it wasn't only, because of the fact that I couldn't feel God, I had mental pain(constant headaches), I had physical pain, and I had financial struggles that convinced me that I was forsaken, but the bad omens/signs are really what persuaded me that I was doomed. However, shortly after being bombarded with condemning signs and in the mist of my despair, God began sending me hope through encouraging signs and Godincidences (coincidences from God). This hope gave new breathe of joy to me, however, it was short lived because despair slithered back in and I still couldn't feel God. I was so confused. Was God playing with my feeling by giving me false hope? If so, why?

Once God restored me from the Dark Night of the Soul trial, I realize that God was really sending me signs of hope so what were all the condemning signs? The enemy! It had to be Satan. I never thought the enemy could do such wonders especially like the condemning signs relating to my birthday. How could Satan know when I would be born and find a way to manipulate people to produce a movie with an omen sign which was the title "Unforgiven" to premiere on the year I was born. Not only that, how did I just happen to be looking at TV guide  to see "Unforgiven" on TV when I could barely watch TV, because of the anhehondia cause from the lack of feeling God.

It is not just God who can perform signs and miracles, but so can the enemy. Satan can use signs and miracles to distract us and frighten us into despair.  The enemy is given authority by God to perform signs and miracles to trick and test people's hearts. That is why its important to trust God's Love and not miracles, signs, feelings, and even in circumstance. I'm sure the enemy can manipulate situations to make anyone  forsake God or feel forsaken by God. If anyone knows us more than God then it is Satan, because He has to know us well to tempt us. 

I tricked by the devils schemes so many times specifically when I went through the "Dark Night of the Soul" trial. 

Here is my story:

Before I went through the Dark Night of Soul, God starting to built trust in me by sending me settle signs and miracles.

One of  signs, I realized is that God had use my birthday to show me that I was reborn. My birthday is 9/27/1992.  The place where I gave up my life and gave it to God address was at 927 VFW.  I then began to believe if I saw numbers relating to my birthday that God was sending me a message.

In 2020, when I though I had committed blasphemy against the Holy Spirit (the unforgivable sin) because I had thought evilly about God and couldn't feel Him strongly like I use to, I had asked God to send me a sign or miracle to let me know I wasn't forsaken. I would listen and pay close attention to everything, hoping God would send me a sign from a sermon, person, or television show.  My ears would perk up when I would hear words like forgiven, unforgivable, and so on. I was hoping for a message from God, but there was nothing convincing about hearing either hopeful or condemning words by themselves.

One day my pastor preached about 2nd chances, and this gave me some hope.  However, during time the church was being held online due to covid. So when I check the title for the sermon, it actually said second changes. Although it was just a spelling error, the hope wasn't as strong. I thought maybe the error was God telling me that this sermon wasn't the answer for me. But I still held on to sermon for hope. Two weeks later, I still couldn't feel God and I started to despair again and didn't haven any interest to do anything, but just happened to put on the TV and on the TV guide was the Title "Unforgiven," however that's not what really scared me but what convinced me was year that the movie was released was the year I was born.

At first I tried to ignore it then it started to delve inside my mind. Eventually, I became convinced I was unforgivable and tried to attempt suicide.

Many people would think it was incredibly stupid that I had attempted suicide over random words, but  God had given me signs which gave me hope in previous times. Not only did condemning sign convince me,  but I not feel God anymore, I also heard a voice condemn me to hell, and I had a delusion of Christ telling me I had committed the unforgivable sin and I was rejected. It didn't stop after attempted suicide either. 

After my attempted suicided, I had to have a watcher accompany in the hospital. One of my watchers was a Jehovah's Witness, he spoke to me about his deceased wife. He then mentioned to me that she died on September 27th(9/27). I didn't know how to feel about this. When I told the watcher that she had died on my birthday he cried joyful tears, and he asked to give me a hug. 

While I was still in the Dark Night of the Soul, I was working at a childcare center. The childcare teacher was sharing her story about how her baby daughter would be the same age of the babies in the nursery, but she passed away shortly after being born on September 27th; again, my birthday.

of course all these signs made me feel even more condemn. However, I was confused because in-between the trial, I was also receiving encouraging signs as well.

After God restored me, I realize that all the condemning signs were from the enemy and all the encouraging signs were from God.

You can read about my restoration testimony here:https://www.battlereadywarrior.com/2024/02/testimony-restoration-from-dark-night.html

A couple months after I was restored the Native American proverb came to mind. 

There is a Native American parable about a grandfather who says, "I feel as if I have two wolves fighting in my heart. One wolf is the vengeful, angry one. The other wolf is the loving, compassionate one." The grandson asks, "Grandfather, which wolf will win the fight in your heart?" The grandfather places his hand on his heart and replies, "The one I feed."

I then realized the battle between whether we trust God or Satan is the same thing. It was a tug of war between God and Satan of who we trust. If we trust and start leaning on the side of the rope God has then God will have more power in our lives, but if we start leaning on the side of Satan then the enemy will have more power over us.  When I learned this I started to preach it to others, however, I did not practice what I preached so I fell in to snare of the enemy. 

Right after realizing the tug of war between God and Satan,  the enemy first used my birthday year as an omen again to try to scare me again. I was at my computer chair as my husband was watching Breaking Bad. And I happened to hear group leader on the show say his daughter died in 7/18/1992. The year of my birthday again, however, my husband said that's the date my brother died.  My birthday was linked again which seemed like an omen of death confirming condemnation, however, this time I laughed because I knew it was the enemy playing trick with my mind.

After that attack, I started getting more spiritually attacked. I started having delusions again about being condemn, because fear started to polluting my mind. I heard God scorn me and say I had already died and was judge when I attempted suicide. That I had actually died when I blacked out from overdosing, but God had brought me back to life to prove that I had no power or relief and that I couldn't even kill myself if I wanted, but I had to live and build more wrath on myself. The voice that I thought was God said I was judged as guilty, unforgiven, and condemn. He told me if I continued to live people would suffer because of me so I ran for the knife to stab myself but my husband stopped me. I ended up in psych ward. When I first arrived at the psych ward I was incoherent and unmanageable. I kept trying to take off my clothes because I thought God wanted to shame me.

When I started to recover in the hospital and I was functioning well God started to send me signs that I was still his child. My favorite creature on earth are butterflies and when I was going through the Dark Night of Soul trial, I hope to see a butterfly because for me that meant hope. While I was in the psych ward I saw a paper with butterflies as a border then one of the hospital tech's had a butterfly tattoo on her arm then I though to myself if I see another butterfly that means God is with me, I then change my mind in fear that I wouldn't see another butterfly and be fill with anxiety. Then during a therapy group session, we were performing karaoke and used a projector screen . We were using the projector to display Youtube music videos to get our music for the karaoke and that's when I saw it! It was a huge purple (purple is my favorite color) butterfly on one of the Youtube video list of the search results for a particular song. This Godincendence (incidences from God instead of coincidences) gave me hope.  The overall experience at the psych ward hospital was good and very encouraging. However, that's not what astonished or convinced me the most.

In my psych ward room, there was a coloring sheet that had gotten caught in between the glass of the window. The psych ward had many coloring sheet for therapeutic reason such as calming the mind. This particular sheet was about the Native American wolf parable that had come across my mind just days before I had shared with others and ended up in hospital. I then knew God had orchestrated placing that coloring sheet of that specific parable there for me to see and I was sure of everything.

See, both God and Satan can send us signs. Satan will mimic everything that God does to trick us that's why we have to rely on God's word and his faithfulness or we will be pulled into schemes of the enemy. Satan can pretend to be God. He can sound like God, He can orchestrate signs like God, He can give us visions like God, He can perform miracles like God, and He can even block God's presence from us. How? Because Satan will say things like this, "This person only trusts and serves you because you allow them to feel you strongly."

Remember how it was Satan who cause all the sudden catastrophe to happen to Job. Everything happened so suddenly and in sync that it seemed that it had to be God tormenting Job, but it was in fact the devil. Remember pharaoh's sorcerers could turn their staffs into serpents like Aaron did in Bible. Satan has ability to use whatever God does against us.

I'm sure the enemy can request God to give him the permission to test us even requesting God to Hide His Spirit from us for a limited time. And sometimes it could be God who requests the testing for training and discipline:

2 Chronicles 32:31
God left Hezekiah alone to test him, that He might know all that was in his heart.

1 Timothy 1:20
Of whom is Hymenaeus and Alexander; whom I have delivered unto Satan, that they may learn not to blaspheme.

1 Corinthians 5:5
To deliver such an one unto Satan for the destruction of the flesh, that the spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus.

Luke 22:31‭-‬32
And the Lord said, Simon, Simon, behold, Satan hath desired to have you, that he may sift you as wheat: but I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not: and when thou art converted, strengthen thy brethren.
Job 23:8
Behold, I go forward, but he is not there; and backward, but I cannot perceive him:

Psalm 13:1‭-‬2
King David: How long wilt thou forget me, O LORD? for ever? How long wilt thou hide thy face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, Having sorrow in my heart daily? How long shall mine enemy be exalted over me?

I believe that enemy has the permission to know everything about us and that he is granted the power to test and trick us in everyway and all ways.

I was tricked just 5 months ago. The enemy tends to use my phobia that I have committed the unforgivable sin against me. He also uses against me the shamefulness of my failures and past sin that I struggle with. However, there have been times I have use the faithfulness of God's love to resist enemy. It's when I fear and believe the enemy's lie that I fall into the enemies trap.

Whatever is your weakness, you can bet the enemy will use it against you. The enemy can also use what strengthens you against you such as when he started using my birth date against me because God had once used it as sign to encourage me.

When chaos and calamity starts happening to you, do not let fear, hate, remorse cause you to lean toward Satan in which the enemy has a better tug on you. Instead praise God, hope in God, and partake in the Holy Spirit so that you lean toward Christ so that God has a better tug on you while you wait for the Lord to restore you.