Testimony: Restoration from the Dark Night of the Soul

Before I explain my restoration, I need to go into detail about what I was going through before I went through the "Dark Night of the Soul" trial.

Before I thought God had condemn me, I was already struggling with schizoaffective disorder bipolarism in which I had delusion, voices, and hallucinations that made me feel condemn during my psychotic breakdowns. I also was struggling with scrupulosity (religious OCD) in which I was confused and unsure what was truly a sin so I was tormented by thought that my sin would unknowingly condemn me to Hell. Lastly, I suffered from phobia of Blasphemy Against the Holy Spirit. 

I was also struggling with headaches I had literally every day, only the pain level would change, I also dealt with sexual pain which had been struggling with for half a year. And at time, my husband and I were struggling financially because he was let go from his job since he had to pick me up from the hospital from my recent psychotic break and previous psychotic breaks. These factors made me feel as if God had abandon and forsaken me.

The main reason I  though I was unforgivable though is because I though I had committed the unforgivable sin by thinking that "God is the Devil, God is worse than the Devil." The main reason I though this was because I was so fearful of it so I though if I just willfully thought it then I wouldn't be afraid of it anymore, boy was I wrong. Willfully thinking that negative thoughts didn't give me relief but cause me to fear more. Around that same time I couldn't feel God and hoped God would send me a sign I was forgiven like he had before.

These are some of my pages from my diary of  how unforgiven I felt:

Here are some of my social media post: 

Right after my confession I started to feel joy and I was restored. My confession via social media: 

Then I posted my testimony later that week:

These were the chapters that further convinced me of my restoration:

Since the "Dark Night of the Soul trial", I have had 2 psychotic break downs, however, they are not like the "The Dark Night of the Soul" in which my mind was stable (I wasn't in a pyschotic trance) and I felt I was separated from God for months not just for a couple hours or days. My mind is actually in  mania at the time I have my psychotic breakdowns. I have learned from both experiences and will share my testimonies for those instances as well. 

Here is the Prezi slide show of my testimony: Shamari's Restoration Journey

Here is my audio testimony: Shamari's Audio Testimony

Here is my testimony on Warriors With Christ and other testimonies similar to mine: https://www.warriorswithchrist.org/shamari