It's been a month since I had my last psychotic breakdown which was on Sunday, January 14th. I honestly thought this would never happen again. It had been 2 years since my prior breakdown which was in 2022 of January. Now that I have been able to recuperate and process what happened, I understand what cause my psychotic breakdown - it was the lack of trust in God's Love. I was restored from the "Dark Night of the Soul" in 2021 of October. You would think I would know better not to fall into the deception that God would hate me for my sins.
So what happened? I regressed, I started to think that if I purposely thought evil thoughts too much toward God then God would condemn me. This time it wasn't the act of actually thinking evil or even saying evil things toward God, but it was the fear that I would think evil thoughts too much toward God and He would eventually let me go. So this time it was about the amount of times. So then I filled myself with fear all over again. So guess what happened? I started thinking evil things toward God because I was trying to convince myself if I did this amount of times then the fear would eventually diminish. Nope, I couldn't get this thought out of my mind no matter how many times I tried to relax. See the problem is I have a vivid imagination and think way too much about "what if" scenarios. So one of the things I couldn't stop thinking about is "what if" I had evil thoughts toward God in heaven. These were ridiculous assumptions. I also kept worrying about my baby and fearing that he might accidentally get hurt in all types of scenarios. Fear was having a ball in mind and I had invited this terror into my thoughts.
Here is an excerpt from my diary entry:
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| Even in my diary entry, I was confused. I'm sure the enemy can pretend to be God and tell us not to do something, trick us into doing that exact same thing, and then condemn us for it. |
At the time of my psychosis, I was also having rushing thoughts also known as mania in which I couldn't concentrated not even on my baby. My husband was noticing this and he was becoming angry with me. We ended up arguing. I thought God was teaching me and if I rejected the thoughts then I would be rejecting God. I honestly didn't know what to do. I couldn't stop the thoughts anyway. I eventually broke down in tears and my husband consoled me and became understanding.
Later, I began to believe God was trying to teach me again, but this time it was more coherent.. Before I thought God was giving me secrets of the universe which is typical with mania. However, these new thoughts being fed to my mind were different.
Here are a few lesson I felt were from God:
Mania is rushing thoughts that can be caused by the enemy.
Everything doesn't have to be told by God (verbally.) The enemy can use this against us.
God doesn't tell us to jump. What God wants us to do will make sense and not confuse us.
However, I didn't listen to the lessons above and instead I found myself in hospital. And yes once again, I tried to attempt suicide, this time by ramming my head into the window because in the delusion God said the best thing for me would be for me to die and kill myself because I had doomed everyone. This idea was conjured from the delusion in which God and Satan had wager on whether I would obey God. God had stated I would trust Him and not fail him. When I failed God, God became wrong so Satan won the wager which cause the universe to destroy itself. Ridiculous, I know. However, my mind is distorted when I let the enemy ensnare me into lies and delusions.
In my life time, I have ended up going to the psychiatric hospital 10 times, and have had more than a dozen psychotic breakdowns. And only now do I understand why this happens.
1. I start to believe things(delusions) that are not Biblical or not justified by the Bible.
2. I let fear scare me into Satan's corner.
3. I stop believing God's love for me.
The reason I stop believing God's love for me is because of my sin either past or recent. I think I've sinned too much or committed a sin that can't be forgiven.
The truth is God can continuously forgive us of our sins.
Many point out King Solomon, King Saul, and the disciple Judas. However, all three not only sinned but they also weren't following God.
King David, Moses, and Jonah also willfully sinned, but the difference is they were still following God. However, there were consequences and punishment for their sins.
God's children do sin: 1 John 1:8 - 8, "If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us."
We've seen God's followers sin over and over again in the Bible in the old testament and the new testament. The difference between Christ's true followers and reprobates is Christ's followers don't go on sinning. Not that they never sin again, but sinning starts to bothers them since they truly seek God: 1 John 3:4-11, "Everyone who makes a practice of sinning also practices lawlessness; sin is lawlessness. You know that he appeared in order to take away sins, and in him there is no sin. No one who abides in him keeps on sinning; no one who keeps on sinning has either seen him or known him. Little children, let no one deceive you. Whoever practices righteousness is righteous, as he is righteous. Whoever makes a practice of sinning is of the devil, for the devil has been sinning from the beginning. The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the works of the devil. ..."
Sometimes it is a struggle for years to overcome sin. Other times we don't realized we are sinning or blinded by our heart toward the sin so then God has to get our attention by either disciplining us or enlightening us and actually sometimes He does both. Remember how God confronted King David about his sins through a prophet instead of leaving David to his sin or condemning David to death.
God loves us. Remember God calls us his children. Was it not God who created the relationship dynamic between children and parents. Good parents don't abandon their child after they misbehave. However, they will send their children to bootcamp or discipline their children themselves in order to correct their children's behavior.
God's love is strong for us. If we follow Christ then we are God's children, therefore, we will be punished like his children as well.
The reason I end up in the psych ward over and over again is that I think as soon I make a mistake or sin then God's done with me or even more ridiculous such as God is still mad at me for a sin I committed a year ago then the enemy will uses this doubt of God's love against me.
Here is screenshot of a article from Crosswalk and a blurb I wrote relating to the article that I posted on social media a few days ago. I believe it to be true:
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Here is the blurb from the social media post: "It is Satan's voice that makes us think we are unloved and unforgiven by God. This, I'm sure, is why I keep ending up in the hospital. I get trapped in delusions that God's loved has ended for me. But as soon as I break out the delusion that I let over take me, I begin to feel God's love again.
We must be assure of God's love or the enemy will use our doubt against us to destroy and kill us. This is definitely a battle especially when faith wavers and you start to second guess God's love for you. So we must put on the full armor of God.
I know it is easier said than done and I have failed/fell over and over again. However, we have to keep getting back up from the battle field, because our battle is against the powers of this dark world. And this darkness will do all it can to kill us."
God does not need to convince us that we are condemn . If we do not truly seek God then he lets us walk our own paths. However if we seek him or truly want to seek him then he will cause us to feel the absence of his presence, or the discontentment or anguish in our spirit in which he will disciplined and correct us. It is Satan who want us to feel condemn because then he can cause us to leave the faith or even kill ourselves.
When we are God's children he tells us in 1 John 4:18 , "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love."
It may take time for you to be perfected in God's love like it is taking me. You are still a child of God who is learning to trust God's love. However, know that we are not supposed to fear God as if he is our enemy who will condemn us, but we are supposed to fear him in reverence like when a child respects and obeys their parents.
We can always go to God to perfect us in love which in turn will makes us stronger against the enemies attacks.
Faith in God's love conquers all fears.
Remember:
Faith Over Fear
